How to Build Self-Trust After a life or career Change
I stopped trusting myself.
But I didn’t even realize that I stopped trusting myself because it happened slowly.
I had gone through a lot of change in a short timeframe and was in the middle of another shift. Another season of uncertainty. Of doubt. Of living in survival mode.
For me, survival mode happens when one of my basic human needs is unmet. It’s when most of my energy, if not all, is focused on fulfilling that need.
Within the past five years, I’ve been in survival mode when I didn’t have income, when my apartment was no longer habitable, and when I was repeatedly disrespected in the workplace.
And I was tired.
To stay hopeful during one particular survival mode period, I journaled about what I wanted in my next chapter. I was very specific. I truly believe in the power of writing down what you want in a lot of detail.
When I looked at my list and spoke it out loud everyday, it didn’t seem like much. It was almost the bare minimum.
Actually, it was the bare minimum. I was unemployed at the time and one of the things I asked for was “a job where I can do the job I’m hired to do”. Isn’t that the bare minimum?
I didn’t trust myself to sustain more than the bare minimum. Because I had been laid off before and then barely survived multiple rounds of layoffs before finally leaving the next company.
So I stopped asking for more and worse, I stopped expecting more.
And that was part of the problem.
Self-trust vs self-esteem
Self-trust and self-esteem are not the same thing. School of Confidence refers to self-trust as our belief in our ability to make good decisions, trust our judgment, and follow our instincts.
Self-esteem is how worthy we view ourselves. Self-confidence is a belief in our ability to achieve specific things or goals.
You can have high self-esteem but lack self-trust.
The Realization: I Asked for Less
I ended up receiving what I asked for. The bare minimum. Honestly though? It was even less than that.
At the time, I thought it was "enough". It was enough to just have a job again. And health insurance.
And even though that season settled, I still felt unsettled. It didn’t take long for me to realize that what I asked for – and received – was way less than what I thought I actually deserved.
The role I accepted was one that I could have easily done four years prior. Before my life was flipped upside down a few times.
But I didn’t care because at least it was a job.
How Self-Trust Fades Over Time
Losing self-trust isn’t something that happens overnight. It can happen after perceived failure or after making mistakes. It can also happen when life throws us curve balls that we didn’t see coming, and we put too much pressure on ourselves to “get it right” the next time.
Overthinking and waiting for permission are just two ways that self-trust fades.
Overthinking
I used to make decisions quickly. Not in an impulsive way but in a decisive way. After a few pivots that weren’t my choice, I would overthink every decision because I didn’t want to choose “wrong”. I didn’t want to end up worse than I was.
When we overanalyze every step, it’s often because we don’t trust our ability to manage the outcome if it doesn’t go the way we want.
When I realized I settled for less, I kept overthinking my next move – and took way too long to actually make a move – because I was scared that it would create chaos that I couldn’t manage. The illusion of safety was more appealing than true safety itself.
I never used to take too long to decide that a role wasn’t for me and to move on. I had an exit strategy in my previous role and executed it in less than three months. And now I was overthinking leaving an environment where I knew I would never thrive.
Waiting for permission
There’s a difference between asking someone to hold you accountable or gut check you and waiting for permission.
I was waiting for someone to give me permission to make decisions even when I knew I had an answer. I wanted to respond differently than I had in the past, but I didn’t trust my decisions.
I basically wanted someone else to tell me what to do. Maybe it was so I could have someone to blame if it didn’t go well?
Why We Settle for the Bare Minimum
As much as women are told not to settle, the reality is that sometimes we do settle. And sometimes we settle not because we lack self-esteem but because we want safety. And sometimes safety is only what we know, not necessarily what we deserve.
When we’re in survival mode, our bodies want us to feel safe and be safe and will do what it takes to find that safety.
So we settle.
If we’re unemployed, underemployed, or in a toxic work environment, we might settle for the first job we’re offered to get out of that situation.
Some of us might not negotiate financial agreements, including salary, and settle for the first offer because we need the money and don’t want to risk walking away.
Sometimes we stay in friendships that feel one-sided, romantic relationships that keep us small, or social circles where we can’t be our full selves.
Because we crave familiarity. Because at least we know what to expect. That’s not always a self-esteem issue. Sometimes it’s a nervous system issue.
Settling can feel like safety when uncertainty feels like a threat.
Three Ways to Rebuild Self-Trust
There are things you can do to build self-trust after a life or career transition. Here’s a few:
1) Forgive Yourself
Building self-trust is a process. And one of the first things to do is to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is an act of self-compassion.
According to Psychology Today, self-compassion can calm the autonomic nervous system, reducing the body's typical fight‑or‑flight stress response. Be kind to yourself especially during difficult times.
And truthfully, it can be hard initially to forgive yourself because hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes we think we should have known better. But forgive yourself anyway.
I made decisions when I was in survival mode that I wouldn't make now that I am safe. I forgive myself for decisions I made when my energy was focused on surviving. I did the best I could.
Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made. Forgive yourself for “not knowing sooner”. Forgive yourself for not starting sooner. Forgive yourself for ignoring your instincts.
2) Small steps
Take small steps toward trusting yourself again. Especially if you're coming out of a hard season.
Every decision doesn’t have to be bold. Every next move doesn’t have to be grand or dramatic.
After a long period of overthinking and second-guessing, even a small decision – like choosing what to eat before asking the group chat – can be an act of self-trust.
Small steps might look like journaling for five minutes a day. Saying no without explaining. Choosing rest without guilt.
Each small step sends a signal to your nervous system that says, “I’m safe now”.
You rebuild self-trust by keeping promises to yourself, one decision at a time.
3) Pace Yourself
Give yourself time to rebuild. You don’t have to rush your way back to self-trust.
In fact, urgency sometimes stems from fear. And fear can sound a lot like urgency when you're coming out of survival mode.
After a few back-to-back life disruptions, I found myself trying to rebuild my life like it was a race. I wanted to fix it all, fast. Find a job. Replenish my bank accounts. Feel better.
But self-trust doesn’t grow in pressure. It grows in spaciousness.
Pacing yourself means allowing space to pause before reacting. To regulate before responding. To respond instead of react.
I gave myself permission to slow down and stop treating my healing like a deadline. Healing is a non-linear journey.
Trusting yourself isn’t just about what you do, it’s about how you move through it. The pace matters, too. And it doesn’t have to be fast.
What Self-Trust Looks Like Now
When you trust yourself you don’t need a full plan before making a change. Because you trust your instincts, your judgment, and your decisions. You also trust your ability to handle the outcome if it doesn’t go the way you want.
Self-trust also looks like advocating for yourself, even if no one else will, because you don’t wait for permission to speak up and share your story.
Want Support? Try the Self-Trust Journal
If this post resonates, you don’t have to figure this out alone. My Self-Trust Journal is designed to help you return to your inner knowing, one page at a time.
