Afraid of change? How to stay grounded when things feel uncertain
I didn’t want to move.
I had already lost so much and didn’t want to lose my apartment. Or my neighborhood coffee shop. Or the local Mexican restaurant with the best tamales and horchata. Or my New York residence status.
For years, when asked where I live, I would say “I’m originally from Chicago and lived in Brooklyn for 5 years and now I live in Jersey”. It was never just “I live in New Jersey”.
And I really don’t have anything against Jersey. But moving initially felt like I had lost the plot.
After a difficult 2019, I went into 2020 with a new perspective and readiness to move towards things that I wanted.
Then 2020 happened — and it wasn’t just the global changes. I experienced five major shifts that year. By the 4th one, I knew I needed to change my entire environment – physical, mental, and emotional. My spirituality was what kept me going.
But I was still clinging to what life used to look like — and refusing to let go because what was next didn’t feel like my choice. It seemed like I was left with no other choice.
When You’re Pushed Before You’re Ready
And that’s the thing: life has a way of pushing you forward even when you’re not ready. Eventually, I had to face the truth: it was time to leave.
In fact, leaving would be the next step towards the things I wanted.
The truth is, I didn’t move to escape. I moved to anchor myself. To feel my feet on the ground.
I sold and replaced most of my things — partly out of necessity, but also as an opportunity to start fresh. An opportunity to reinvent myself. Or really, reconnect with myself.
Choosing to Anchor, Not Escape
That season taught me that grounding doesn’t always come from stillness. Sometimes, it comes from choosing yourself, even when it’s inconvenient.
Even when it’s not what you wanted.
I focused on what I could control: my space, my thoughts, my rhythms. I focused on making my new space a home. Warm and also bright. But most important, safe.
And eventually, I realized: home isn’t just a location. It’s how safe you feel in your own body, in your own life.
It’s completely natural to be afraid of change. Even though change is an inevitable part of life, it usually pushes us out of our comfort zones.
When things feel uncertain or out of control, our survival instincts kick in — it can sometimes feel like we’re trying to keep our head above water, struggling to find our way to safety.
And it takes a lot of effort to keep from drowning.
Each of us might cope with change differently. And there are some universal ways to stay grounded when things feel uncertain.
Here are four ways to stay grounded:
1 ) Stay in the present moment
Years ago, my therapist at the time told me that depression often stems from thinking too much about the past — the woulda, coulda, shoulda. Anxiety, on the other hand, often comes from thinking too much about the future — the what ifs, the worst-case scenarios.
Being in the present moment is one of the most powerful ways to stay grounded during uncertainty. It doesn’t erase the uncertainty, but it gives you something solid to return to.
This same therapist also taught me the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method. Maybe you’ve heard of it or tried different variations of it, but essentially starting with 5, count the different colors you see (for example). Then count 4 things you hear. And so on. Repeat as many times as needed.
In doing so, you shift your mind’s focus to the present – in naming things that you can see, hear, or even feel around you.
What works for me is counting my 5 favorite songs, 4 favorite foods, 3 favorite Abbott Elementary episodes, 2 favorite travel destinations, and 1 favorite book.
2) Focus on what you can control
I used to try to control the outcome of things. Until maturity made me realize that I can’t.
And I think I tried to control outcomes to avoid disappointment. Disappointment is one of those feelings that doesn’t always “feel good”. I used to avoid feeling any feeling that doesn’t feel good.
But the truth is that as humans, we feel. We have emotions. Feelings aren’t bad — they’re just information. Having a full human experience means that we’ll feel an array of feelings and emotions – maybe even in the same day. Or hour.
When I gave myself permission to feel all of my feelings – including disappointment – and regulate them, it helped me release my grip. It helped me let go of the need to control things. Especially the things that I cannot.
I’m going to hold your hand when I say this: you don’t have much control over most things. And we create unnecessary chaos when we try to control things that we simply don’t have the ability to change.
But there are things that we can focus on.
So, what are some things that you can control?
Your thoughts
Your morning routine
Your evening routine
Things you consume (food, beverage, media, etc)
Sleep quality (unless you have small kids)
Movement and exercise
What you can’t control
Other people
Time
Pretty much everything else
When I put my energy into the things that I can control, I don’t have much time to worry about the other “stuff”. It gives me perspective and keeps me grounded.
Even the things we can control need balance — otherwise we risk turning healthy habits into another form of pressure.
3) Take small, manageable steps forward
Most transitions take time – more time than you want.
Growing a new, profitable business takes time.
Landing a new job – especially in this economy – takes time.
Creating new friendships, especially as an adult, takes time.
Feeling at home in a new city takes time.
But it’s not just time – it also takes effort. Actionable, manageable steps.
Once I settled into my new apartment, I started thinking more about the future and how I wanted to show up in the world. It would require me to change some of my routines and build better habits.
Here’s where I went wrong: I tried to create eight new routines at once. No exaggeration, I had different categories for my goals and wanted to meet all of them at the same time.
And because my next birthday at the time was a major milestone, I wanted to be a new version of myself by then.
At first, I thought I was trying to do too much. Because I was. But I told myself that I just needed to get started. I know now that it was my way of trying to control things that I could actually control – to the extreme.
When we try to do too much all at once, we feel overwhelmed and anxious. We might even feel like we’re failing or “behind”.
It wasn’t sustainable for me to try to completely overhaul my life overnight. It was too much all at once — especially while I was still adjusting to a new environment. Even if that environment gave me space to make changes.
What grounds us is focusing on small, intentional steps forward.
Now, when I want to make changes or evolve, I focus on one area – two at most – and slowly introduce new habits. I give myself time to adjust and refine.
4) Reconnect with your values
Life experiences can sometimes change our values. Allow your values to evolve as you grow.
Whether you’re in a planned transition or an unexpected change, it’s important to reconnect with your values – or define them.
Core values are the fundamental beliefs that define what matters most to us. They guide our decisions, shape our priorities, and influence how we live and interact with others.
One of my core values is peace. It’s probably what I value most – and also why I want others to know peace over chaos.
During some major transitions, I learned how much having peace within yourself can create peace around you. It helps you avoid FOMO. It gives you a steady confidence in knowing that you’re not betraying yourself.
Peace helps me decide which battles to choose – because I don’t need to fight every battle. If something costs me peace, it’s too expensive.
You can and should check in with yourself regularly, especially through transitions, and define your values.
What values does the company prioritize when making decisions?
Can you give me an example of how team members live out the company values?
How does management handle conflict?
If you want to relocate, ask yourself: What are my non-negotiable values in a new home? For example:
Safety
Community vibe
Proximity to family or work
Access to nature
Cultural diversity
Quietness
Affordability
If you want to meet more like-minded people, get clear on what “like-minded” means for you. That might look like:
People who share your core values
Individuals with similar interests or passions
People who are in a similar life stage or career transition and understand what you’re going through.
Those who prioritize deep conversations over small talk.
People who bring positive energy and support your goals without judgment.
Values may even emerge in a transition. For me, it wasn’t until I was in a situation with people who did not have integrity that I realized how much integrity is a core value of mine. Now, if something compromises my integrity, it’s an easy no — no matter how shiny it looks on the surface.
When we align our actions with our values, we feel more authentic, fulfilled, and grounded.
Anchor Yourself First. The Rest Will Follow.
Transition rarely feels comfortable.
But what I’ve learned — and what I hope you take with you — is that even in uncertainty, you can choose to anchor yourself. You can create safety. You can move forward, one step at a time.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to keep choosing yourself.
If you’re in a season of transition — or you’re ready to start — I created a free Transition Guide to help you navigate it with more clarity and intention. Download it here.